broken tradition - flashback friday

It's Flashback Friday!!  And today, October 31, 2008 a Shauan family tradition has been broken.  It's Avery's fifth halloween and Auntie Heather was no where to be found.  And to make it worse.  She missed Reichen's first time trick or treating!  It's not like Auntie Heather is lost.  We know where she is.  She's in Cambodia for six months helping a Khmer church pioneer a missions program. So does she have a good reason to be AWOL?  Yes, of course.  But there is a hole in our pictures, there is a hole in our heart, there is a hole in our family tradition.  It's an Auntie Heather hole.  We miss you Auntie Heather!!  Trick or treating just wasn't the same.  (I couldn't find the pictures of 2006 or 2007, but Heather was there for the chicken and the pirate) 

Auntie Heather and Super Baby 2004

Auntie Heather and Giraffe Raffe 2005

Police Officer Avery wondering where Auntie Heather is 2008

an uncomfortable day

A potentially uncomfortable Flashback Friday

Well, this post might be a little uncomfortable for some.  I apologize in advance.  You don't have to keep reading, I won't be offended (nor will I know).  Now I know everyone is different and everyone handles situations differently as they happen to them.  But for me, I've realized talking or in this case typing about my situation is helping me to "handle" it more.  

Today is October 24, 2008.  I should have had a baby two years ago, today.  But at 11 weeks and 4 days I had a doctor's appointment.  And he couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  The doctor performed a DNC and just like that, I no longer had my baby.  Other than feeling groggy from being put under, I didn't feel physically different.  I still felt pregnant.  I hoped that I would still be miraculously pregnant.  As a matter of fact I felt that way for another nine weeks, since it took that long for my period to start.  I am normally an emotionally deprived person.  I just have a hard time crying.  I had no idea what to do with this range of emotions that came from within  me.  I just cried, and cried, and cried.  No, actually it's not crying... it's weeping.  I wept, and wept, and wept.  And two years later, it still just slaps me upside the face while I'm doing the most random thing.  I can be getting a glass of water while talking to Wayne about the sky being blue, and tears will just start running down my face.  And he doesn't have to ask.  He knows what is happening.  And in like five minutes, it's over.  

Anger... another foreign concept to me.  I just never get mad.  But after a couple of months, something inside me was raging.  You could be talking to me about how wonderful Mother Theresa was, but in my head I was telling you off with words that would have made a sailor blush.  I didn't show it on the outside at all.  Even Wayne didn't know unless the words "I'm just so angry!!" came out of my mouth.  It wasn't until the words of my friend pierced my heart that I knew I needed help.  We hadn't seen each other in three years.  "Karyn, something's different. There's no longer a sparkle in your eyes".  The next week Wayne and I met with a pastor and his wife.  And that was the last day I felt any anger.  I don't know if the sparkle is back or not, but the rage is gone.  

It wasn't until the miscarriage that I realized just how common it is to have one.  I had no idea that so many women had one or several.  I have many friends who have had multiple miscarriages and quite honestly, I don't know how they do it.  (okay, I really know.  I know it's God's grace!)  I'm just saying.  I just didn't know.  What we did know was that she was not a statistic.  And she wasn't going to be baby #2.  Names are really important to us.  So we gave her a name that would give us hope.

I've never felt the need to ask God why or why us.  Who am I to ask that?  I know she's in a better place, and yada, yada, yada.  But I just wonder about her.  Who would she have looked like?  What would her voice sound like?  How would having her in our family have changed us? And how has not having her in our family changed us?  I just wonder...

I miss her.  I miss my Hope.

Above:  when we thought we had our family planned.  

Below:  would she look like this?

puh, puh, P day

today was puh-puh-P day at avery's puh-puh-Preschool.  he got to wear his puh-puh-Pajamas.  for show and tell he took puh-puh-Pablo.  for snack they had puh-puh-Pancakes.  And drew puh-puh-Pumpkins.  And he puh-puh-Played with his best puh-puh-Pal puh-puh-Preston.  And now everything that starts with puh-puh-P must be said with puh-puh first!

Wayne has the camera in San Diego, so I had to use photo booth for this puh-puh-picture.

because it's almost heaven

It's been 13 years since I've been home to see the changing of the leaves.  Actually, I didnt' make it this year either.  But I was able to relive it through my friend Gene's pictures.  So I thought I would share a few with you.  This is the town I grew up in.  It's small.  It has character.  It's almost heaven.  It's West Virginia... (with a big pinch of Maryland thrown in).

An Old Friend is Retiring

Introducing Flashback Friday!  

When we got this Manchester United outfit for Avery we had no idea he would wear it so long.  Well, maybe we did.  Avery was forced to wear clothes way longer than he should have because I was too broken hearted to pack them away, never knowing if I would see them on another baby or not.  Another boy baby has come so it's with great pride that I can say "ManU, you have served Avery well!  Now go to your resting place in the size 12 month tub.  Enjoy your rest with the other clothes, for soon you shall be called upon to serve Reichen.  And something tells me that he will be way harder on you than Avery ever was!"  

Now please don't think that just because ManU is going in the size 12 month tub, that he is actually that size.  Oh, no.  He would probably be a size 3T.  We got ManU for Avery so that he could be like his Uncle Nigel.  And that's the smallest size we could find.  That's why he's swimming in it in the first two pictures (he was 13 months old).  Please note that as he grew, the outfit did not.  Thus, he's starting to look a bit silly in the last two pictures.  We shall see you in four months ManU!

our first trip to a pumpkin patch

Last Sunday I planned a little family outing to a pumpkin patch.  Now the first sign that this was a bad idea should have been the fact that I planned it.  See when I plan things (especially if my friend Megan is involved, but she actually wasn't this time) they tend to tank.  I don't know what the deal is.  None the less, I planned and we went, some reluctantly.  I talked it up big time on the way there... we'll be sitting on bales of hay, there's a bunch of farm animals that we can pet, pumpkins that we can pick out of the actual patch, and think of how cool you'll look in your orange shirts!  Turns out it's a hayless tractor ride, animals behind fences that aren't hungry and that you can't really pet, and pumpkins that are lined up on a board for you to "pick" from the patchless patch, and 50 other kids looking cool in their orange shirts!  Oh, and then there's the mother trying to take a picture of her 3 men that went over as well as usual (that mother would be me).  Reichen won't look at the camera, Avery won't look at the camera, and Wayne has his patience tried with the camera lady saying "one more time".  Next year I'm going to the pumpkin patch my friend Jana suggested.  And the boys will be forced to go because momma has planned.

redemption is coming

I'm not afraid to admit I'm an addict. Long live Jack Bauer!