an uncomfortable day

A potentially uncomfortable Flashback Friday

Well, this post might be a little uncomfortable for some.  I apologize in advance.  You don't have to keep reading, I won't be offended (nor will I know).  Now I know everyone is different and everyone handles situations differently as they happen to them.  But for me, I've realized talking or in this case typing about my situation is helping me to "handle" it more.  

Today is October 24, 2008.  I should have had a baby two years ago, today.  But at 11 weeks and 4 days I had a doctor's appointment.  And he couldn't find the baby's heartbeat.  The doctor performed a DNC and just like that, I no longer had my baby.  Other than feeling groggy from being put under, I didn't feel physically different.  I still felt pregnant.  I hoped that I would still be miraculously pregnant.  As a matter of fact I felt that way for another nine weeks, since it took that long for my period to start.  I am normally an emotionally deprived person.  I just have a hard time crying.  I had no idea what to do with this range of emotions that came from within  me.  I just cried, and cried, and cried.  No, actually it's not crying... it's weeping.  I wept, and wept, and wept.  And two years later, it still just slaps me upside the face while I'm doing the most random thing.  I can be getting a glass of water while talking to Wayne about the sky being blue, and tears will just start running down my face.  And he doesn't have to ask.  He knows what is happening.  And in like five minutes, it's over.  

Anger... another foreign concept to me.  I just never get mad.  But after a couple of months, something inside me was raging.  You could be talking to me about how wonderful Mother Theresa was, but in my head I was telling you off with words that would have made a sailor blush.  I didn't show it on the outside at all.  Even Wayne didn't know unless the words "I'm just so angry!!" came out of my mouth.  It wasn't until the words of my friend pierced my heart that I knew I needed help.  We hadn't seen each other in three years.  "Karyn, something's different. There's no longer a sparkle in your eyes".  The next week Wayne and I met with a pastor and his wife.  And that was the last day I felt any anger.  I don't know if the sparkle is back or not, but the rage is gone.  

It wasn't until the miscarriage that I realized just how common it is to have one.  I had no idea that so many women had one or several.  I have many friends who have had multiple miscarriages and quite honestly, I don't know how they do it.  (okay, I really know.  I know it's God's grace!)  I'm just saying.  I just didn't know.  What we did know was that she was not a statistic.  And she wasn't going to be baby #2.  Names are really important to us.  So we gave her a name that would give us hope.

I've never felt the need to ask God why or why us.  Who am I to ask that?  I know she's in a better place, and yada, yada, yada.  But I just wonder about her.  Who would she have looked like?  What would her voice sound like?  How would having her in our family have changed us? And how has not having her in our family changed us?  I just wonder...

I miss her.  I miss my Hope.

Above:  when we thought we had our family planned.  

Below:  would she look like this?

our first trip to a pumpkin patch

Last Sunday I planned a little family outing to a pumpkin patch.  Now the first sign that this was a bad idea should have been the fact that I planned it.  See when I plan things (especially if my friend Megan is involved, but she actually wasn't this time) they tend to tank.  I don't know what the deal is.  None the less, I planned and we went, some reluctantly.  I talked it up big time on the way there... we'll be sitting on bales of hay, there's a bunch of farm animals that we can pet, pumpkins that we can pick out of the actual patch, and think of how cool you'll look in your orange shirts!  Turns out it's a hayless tractor ride, animals behind fences that aren't hungry and that you can't really pet, and pumpkins that are lined up on a board for you to "pick" from the patchless patch, and 50 other kids looking cool in their orange shirts!  Oh, and then there's the mother trying to take a picture of her 3 men that went over as well as usual (that mother would be me).  Reichen won't look at the camera, Avery won't look at the camera, and Wayne has his patience tried with the camera lady saying "one more time".  Next year I'm going to the pumpkin patch my friend Jana suggested.  And the boys will be forced to go because momma has planned.

Eight years

I wasn't looking for a boyfriend.  No seriously, I wasn't.  I can recognize "those girls".  You know the ones who say "I don't want a boyfriend", but scans the room trying to make eye contact with some gorgeous, vulnerable prey.  The girls who quickly change their standing position to make sure one hip is slightly sticking out.  And then licks their lips so that they glissen.  And then is "shocked" to find the next day they have a boyfriend.  I know "those girls".  And trust me, it's not me.  

Six months earlier I had a discussion with God and let him know that I was happy to be single for the rest of my life.  And as a matter of fact, I could do much more as a single missionary.  I would conquer the world on my own.  No problem.  Evidently my conversation was one-sided.  I did all the talking.  I was at a Mission Adventures conference looking for something to do on my afternoon off.  And sure enough, he had to go and do it.  He walked through the door.  As soon as I saw him, I looked for a wedding ring.  Nothing there.  He looks German, maybe there's one on his right hand.  Nope, nothing.  Well, maybe he just doesn't wear one.  He has to be taken.  Karyn, what are you doing?  You will not be one of those girls.  I'll just avoid him. And no I don't mean play hard to get.  So I quickly make plans to go into town with a friend (who is a girl, but also not one of those girls).  We're going to ride in the van with the YWAM leaders into town.  That will kill four hours.  And he won't be with us, hah!  I have won!  As we're getting in the van, my friend is reminded that she has worship practice and can't go.  Oh well, I'll still go.  So I'm in the front passenger seat waiting on the van driver.  And yes, you guessed it.  Who should open the driver's door?  Mr. I don't have a wedding ring on because I'm not married!    

I guess there was a reason why my conversation with God was only one-sided.  He must have been too busy smiling while I was running my mouth with my great plans!

October 22, 1999, three days after he opened the van door.

August 26, 2000

avery turns four

I thought he would never...

get out of my belly

have blonde hair with blue eyes and white skin

stop crying

stop spitting up all over me

say "mama"

ride facing forward in the car

crawl

turn one

walk

poop without crying

turn two

give up his pacifier

have hair that didn't stick up

make me laugh so much

make me cry so much

turn three

say the pledge of allegiance so young

go more than 4 months without getting an ear infection

pronounce "s" when he talks

learn to say his full name with avery in it

turn four

Today is Avery's 4th birthday.  It feels like yesterday Doula Danielle and Wayne were telling me to breathe.  I loved him when he was in my belly, but I was "in love" with him as soon as I heard him cry for the first time.  I even instantly had the "mama" voice.  Who knew that was within me?  I sure didn't.  But there it was, uncontrollable, just like my love for him.  He's amazing, he's smart, he's funny, he's gorgeous, he's loving, he's tender, but best of all he's forgiving.  I wasn't prepared for how much I would learn about my loving Father through having a son.  

People say once you have children, you won't remember what life was like before them.  I disagree.  I remember vividly what it was like... And this side of life is far better.